Pizza With A Ten By D.I. Jolly

You know, sometimes you just can’t catch a break. All I wanted to do was have a quiet drink in a bar, but that never seems to go the way I hope it will. I’m starting to think it’s me. Like I’m just drawn to the kind of place assholes hang out. Which, again, is also likely me.

Anyway, I was about halfway through my second beer when I spotted them come in. I was sitting at the bar and I tracked them via the mirrored wall that had been put it to make the stock look double. Four of ‘em, head Dick, his two Balls and the one little wiry Pubic Hair. I had just ordered my third beer when I gave up trying to ignore them and tuned into their conversation. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t help myself. Something about the way the Pubic Hair said,

“How’d it go with that ten the other night, Jimmy?”

That I couldn’t block out. It wasn’t the words themselves but the way he said it. Something in his voice sounded off, envy or possibly fear. The Pubic Hair knew something and was just brave enough or stupid enough to poke the Dick to see what would happen.

I watched from the mirror to see what the Dick would do, see if he’d picked up the hidden question or not. “What did you do to that girl, Jimmy?” I thought. “What kind of guy are you?”

Lucky for me, and for the Pubic Hair, Jimmy was a talker.

“Ha, that bitch. Gather round boys. Have I got a wild one for you.”

The two Balls laughed encouragingly while the Pube tried and failed to do the same.

“So, I pick her up Thursday night and take her to this really nice Italian place just out of town. Good food, nice wine, all dressed up. The good stuff. You know, when you’ve got a girl like that you have to bring out the good stuff. She’s no back-alley whore, you can’t just buy her off and fuck her, you’ve got to make her want to fuck you.”

He shrugged his shoulders for effect and to give the Balls a chance to make rude comments, which they did. The Pube chuckled along but didn’t say anything.

“Anyway, things were going fine, she’s a sweet girl, with a bit of nasty in her, which she showed from time to time. Made a show of getting the pip out of the complementary olives, that sort of thing. But I’m still trying to play it smooth, show that I got feelings and I’m sensitive and all that shit. Make her believe that I’m not just going to fuck her and throw her out. Acting all PC because everyone’s got fucking feelings these days, and everyone so fucking easily offended, and then you can kiss that ass goodbye, and that’s all you get from the ass and that’s it. And her ass was fucking perfect, so I’m sucking it up, so to speak.”

Again, he pauses for effect and lights a cigarette. The Balls laugh and the Pube snickers. But something else happens, no comments this time. The Balls exchange a look for courage and it’s clear they know when to speak and when to shut up.

“Anyway, I’m man enough to admit that I wanted this girl bad, so I even let her order. To show how open and understanding I am. Even though it’s actually because there was so much blood in my dick I couldn’t focus on the menu.”

Another round of laughter from the table and I see the Pube’s jaw tighten. I took a long sip of my beer and decided that the Pube is, or was, in love with the girl.

“So then what happens Jimmy?”

Says the Pube and the Balls do their best to not choke from the gasping laughter and fear that is washing through them. The Pube knows something, but again the Dick doesn’t seem to notice.

“Fucking let me tell you. Next thing, this pizza arrives with fucking no tomato sauce and broccoli on it. I look at the girl and I’m like, what the fuck is this? She says to me it’s a Bianco pizza with broccoli and bearnaise. And that’s it, I don’t care how fucking hot someone is, I’m not eating green pizza. And that’s exactly what I say to her, honey, your ass is not good enough for me to eat a green fucking pizza. Anyway, the bitch looks at me like I just slapped her mother in the face with my dick. Eyes as big as dinner plates, she then throws her wine in my face and storms out. Can you fucking believe that?”

Gasps and shocked sounds erupt from the Balls, no we can’t believe it, stupid fucking whore, who eats green pizza… but then the Dick raises his hand for silence.

“But you see gents, you, just like her, have forgotten something. I picked her up and brought her to that restaurant, so she might be out the door but I know she isn’t getting very far in high heels. Anyway, I put down some cash, because I don’t want to cause trouble with the restaurant and I head out. And there she is, legs ass and tits in an evening gown looking lost in the parking lot. So, I walk up close behind her and say, need a lift?”

The Dick cracks a smile to show that he’s delivered the punchline, and the Balls erupt into roaring laughter. Meanwhile, the Pube looks worried. He’s smiling and he’s laughing, but he’s worried. And then he does it again.

“Then what happened?”

The Balls stop dead and one of them tries to help out the little guy, opens his mouth to say something that might shut him up or reinforce the end of the story but the Dick cuts him off.

“Then what happened? I’ll tell you what happened.”

The Dick takes a long drag of his cigarette, and the whole atmosphere changes. The Balls shrink leaving the Pube alone with his choices, and the Dick gets hard, the bro act fades away and suddenly a very dangerous man sits there. His eyes don’t focus on anyone of them, but looks inward.

“Bitch turns to me and says, who the fuck do you think you are, talking to me like that?”

Now even the Pube has lost his nerve. He’s shrinking with the Balls and even people a few tables away have stopped talking and are actively looking away and not moving.

“And I say who the fuck do I think I am, I’ll show you who you the fuck I am. Dare to fucking talk to me like that. I mean who does that bitch think she is? Huh? No one’s that fucking pretty.”

And then the give-away.

“Even less pretty now.”

I let out a quiet breath, realising what the rest of my nights going to be like and signalled the barman for one more beer. Then, to my surprise and I think the surprise of the entire bar, the Pube says.

“What do you mean Jimmy? You, you didn’t hurt her, did you?”

I will freely admit that I turned around in my chair to fully stare at the little Pube to make certain that what I thought had just happened had actually happened. Lucky for the Pube and maybe me, the Dick didn’t turn to look at anyone. He kept his focus on the inside and took another long drag of his cigarette.  I watched as his jaw tightened and the Balls shrank even deeper into their seat. I saw the faces of men who all carried physical scars to tell them what happened to people who spoke to Dick like that. I realised that Dick wasn’t just a loud voice, he knew how to handle himself. I then turned back to my drink and listened to the big Dick say,

“I took her home like a gentleman. Her nose was broken and she might be missing a tooth or two, but she got home. And she got off lightly. Girl that hot having to walk from there would probably get raped and worse. I did that ungrateful bitch a favour and she should thank me for it.”

His eyes then refocused on the room and he downed his beer.

“No more fucking questions, we’re here to get drunk, not talk. We’re not women.”

In the mirror I could see the look on Pube’s face, a mix of horror and relief. He clearly hated the Dick for what he’d done to the girl, but was grateful his question hadn’t brought the wrath down on him.

And me, well I needed a plan. I couldn’t just jump this guy on his way out of the bar. He wasn’t some random loud Dick, all gas and no power. He was a fighter. Those other men were scared of him. And not just for things they’d seen or heard him do, but for things he’d done to them. Every one of them had lost to him one way or another. So, I finished my beer, paid my tab and went back to my car to think it over and wait.

I thought over some cool things I could say and do when they came out. “Hey buddy need a lift?” or “I hate broccoli on pizza too.” Stupid Hollywood shit. But it helped pass the time. The way I actually figured it, was that I could either confront them in the parking lot, follow them home or run them off the road. Running them off the road was punishing four people for one man’s crime. Confronting them in the parking lot had the advantage of the most drunk, but more people. So, I followed the Dick home, not so secretly hoping that they’d drunk drive themselves into a tree and solve the problem for me. But that didn’t happen.

I then waited a couple more hours for the last lights in the building to go out and set about breaking in. If I was right, based on when he entered the building and which lights came on. He lived on the third floor on the east side. Which left me with two doors. Mrs Agatha Doyle, which just had to be an 80-year-old woman, and Mr James The-Big-Dick Linwood. His door was easy enough to open and his place was nice. Chrome and tile and masculine. Dick clearly had a lot of money and very specific taste, which wasn’t the same as good taste. I was disappointed to find him lying passed out naked on his bed. I was even more disappointed because Mr big dick had an actually pretty big dick. Just how it goes sometimes. The universe isn’t fair. He also had a gun next to his bed, which made faking the suicide much easier. I tested his blackout by bracing myself and clapping as loud as I could in front of his face.

I then turned on a few lights, put on a record at full volume, put his gun in his hand and helped him shoot himself in the temple.

Getting out was about as easy as getting in. Only this time I was conscious of any hallway cameras. Lucky for me though, there weren’t any.

I guess the universe can be fair, sometimes.

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