Penis By D.I. Jolly

Marcus crouched in the darkness and checked his daggers one last time, then touched his pendant to his lips and silently whispered a prayer to his chosen goddess and hoped this one would be the one. That this was the witch he was after. He dropped out of the tree he’d been hiding in and crept up to the small hut, hidden in the middle of the forest. The density of the wild around him made it darker than usual and perfect for a witch, notorious for hating sunlight. Witch Huts were hard to find but easy to identify. This also wasn’t Marcus’s first hunt, as a younger man he’d made the mistake of following one into bed, and regretted it in the morning. Now he spent his life trying to hunt down that witch and take back what had been stolen. Although dozens of witches had fallen to his blades, none were the one he was after.

His slipped in through the window, careful to make as little noise as possible. The room was lit by a few candles and mostly empty, save for a small bed in one corner and a table in the kitchen. A shiver ran through his body and he realised this wasn’t going to be as straightforward as he’d hoped. He’d watched the witch go in, but she was nowhere to be found. Which meant only one thing, basement. Which also meant he was going to have to confront her in a confined, hard to escape space. It also meant that there was no way to sneak up on her. Marcus rechecked his daggers and drew one, and scanned the room for the trap door. Taking a long slow breath he pulled a small vial from his pocket, said another quiet prayer to his Goddess, then pulled open the hatch and jumped down into the darkness.

He landed in a crouch and rolled out of the light shining in through the trap door. In one corner he heard a scared voice scream out for help and saw a man chained naked to one wall. Then he heard her voice, bouncing off all the walls in a harsh demonic whisper.

“Witch hunter.”

Marcus froze trying to pinpoint where she was, then felt her breath on the back of his neck. He leapt forward throwing the vial down at the witch’s feet, it exploded in a flash of bright light causing her to stagger and scream. Marcus took his chance and charged forward, grabbing her by the throat and pushing her back. But she was old, and strong and turned his force against him, twisting and throwing him across the room. He slammed into the wall smashing a shelf full of glass jars which contained things he didn’t want to think about. She laughed as he picked himself back up and suddenly all the candles in the room lit up.

“I’m not the witch which you seek.”

“No, you’re not, but you’ll do for now.”

He raised, his now blood covered dagger, and smiled. The witch looked down to see a long gash across her belly.

“Pathetic that you think your simple weapons scare me.”

With a malicious smile, she waved her hand over the gash and it closed. Only to turn green and burst open again a second later.

“Not so simple a weapon, after all, Witch.”

The candlelight flared as she screamed in fury and pointed her gnarled fingers at him, fire erupting from them. Marcus rolled and grabbed a table to use as a shield, and charged toward her. At the last moment, he jumped and kicked the now burning table at her knocking her back. Then leapt on her, swinging punches at her head.

“You know who I’m after, where is she! TELL ME!”

The witch spat at him and it burned his armour where it landed.

“I’ll die before I tell you.”

In a quick twist of the wrist, Marcus swung his dagger over her throat removing her head from her body.

“So be it.”

The man tied to the wall stared on in horror as the witches body began to bubble and up in large green blisters that popped, filling the room with the stink of death and bile. Marcus wiped his blade and cleaned the spit of his armour, before going to cut the man down.

“I… I met her in a tavern, she was beautiful there, then she brought me here. What… what was she going to do with me.”

Marcus handed him a blanket,

“She was going to cut off your penis and keep it as a pet.”

“A… what?”

Marcus gestured to the jars that lined all the walls and the man could see that each one had a penis in it.

“Oh, oh my god. How did you know she had taken me? Thank you so much, you save me.”

“I’m not here for you, I’m hunting a specific witch, but you’re welcome.”

A thought dawned on the man and he looked down at Marcus’s crotch. Marcus stared at him for a moment.

“Eyes are up here buddy.”

“Oh, oh sorry, I just I just… Ummm.”

“You’re wondering how I pee, aren’t you.”

“Yes.”

“Why is that always the first question?”

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