Hip-Hop By D.I. Jolly

Good morning, and welcome to Morning headlines, I’m Bob Bobson.

War, Famine, Pestilence and Death continue to ravage the southern hemisphere, but the Red Cross’s military wing have commissioned a fleet of the new Apple iTank to take on the harbingers of the apocalypse. Apple spokesman John Johnson has come out to say that he believes the new iTank will not only revolutionise the way we fight wars, but with their build in access to Apply Maps, any attempt to gio-locate them via satellite will be impossible. He has also, came out.

European negotiations with our alien overlord… I mean allies, continue to go well, with significant steps made towards the evacuation of Earth should the Red Cross and Salvation Army’s effort fail. The United States government officials continue to tell the population that they don’t exist and that God will save them. Shame.

And finally the hip-hop crew Vigilante Justice, known for such hits as; ‘Bang, Pow, Pop as I Fight to Defend Maya’ ‘Desperately Seeking Superman to Help Rescue Maya’ and ‘Only The Stupid Don’t Love Maya’, are all in critical but stable condition in a hospital after they apparently took their stage personas to heart and attempted to foil a bank robbery, by breaking in through the ceiling and attacking the robbers with their bare hands. Witnesses at the scene said they knew it was a bad idea when the lead Mr Super Awesome, broke his legs on impact after failing to hold the guide rope. One man has been quoted saying, “I’ve never seen anything so hysterical in my whole entire life.” While another said, “I sometimes still wakes up at night laughing.”

The crew is, however, being awarded medals of bravery by the city mayor as their actions distracted the robbers long enough for actual law enforcement to do their jobs. Four other people were also taken to hospital for laughter related injuries.

And that’s the headlines this morning, provided we’re all still alive I’ll see you at five.