Closure By D.I. Jolly
“What you’re doing isn’t fair. Because of course, I want to see you, spend time with you. But the way you flitter in and out of my life, from ‘I can’t wait to see you,’ to five days stonewalling with no explanation… And what makes it worse is that I have some real shit going on right now, and I would absolutely love to have someone with me, someone to hold my hand, but you’re not that person, not really, and in the long run, you disappearing again is actually going to make this whole thing worse.”
Is what I had planned to say when she appeared at the bar last night, but Beer tripped me up and Vodka got to the mic first. Now I’m standing in her kitchen waiting for her to get out of the shower. Vodka and Beer have both left, and they didn’t tell me what they said the night before. Hangover and Coffee both think that I can give her the same speech that I was planning the night before but add in a few lines about how last night being a mistake, a moment of weakness, but Regret keeps texting about coming to visit, and I don’t want that.
The reality is, we are a mess together, but a fun, adventurous mess. On again off again, wild week-long four times in a night, romance. Disappear for two days calling in sick to work while sitting in a hotel room, insanity. I was just as bad an influence on her as she was for me really. But what always got me was her vanishing act. One day without explanation she’ll just stop. No messaging, no one answering the phone, and that would be that. Nothing, for weeks at a time. Then just as suddenly as she’d left she’d appear.
“Sorry I had something come up and I have to deal with it.”
At one point I honestly started to think she was a contract killer, but I actually think it’s her way of dealing with how damaging our relationship is, and it really is.
So here I am, standing in her kitchen, drinking coffee and staring at the shower door, not taking responsibility and being where I’m supposed to be, dealing with what I have to deal with.
After a long deep sigh, I sent Painkiller to go ask Hangover to leave, so that Coffee and I could really think it through.
She stepped out of the shower, Steam followed her out into the room, and honestly who can blame it, her dripping wet and wrapped in a towel like that.
“So we never really got a chance to talk last night, how are things?”
There was my opening, now was my chance. My heart sped up and started beating so hard it felt like a medieval army was running a tree into my rib cage.
“I don’t really know how to answer that.”
Her nose crinkled and she looked at me curiously.
“I gotta be honest here, we’re… we’re really bad together.”
“No, come on it’s true. We have these wild weeks and then you just disappear. And don’t get me wrong the time we spend together is, it, fucking great. But on the whole? We’re not a good combinations.”
She sat down across from me looking at the table and I slid a cup of coffee into view.
“Since the last time I saw you, things have changed and not… not for the better.”
She looked up fast with genuine concern in her eyes.
“Oh no, what’s happened?”
For a moment the army stopped and we all stared into her beautiful emerald eyes. But Coffee put his hand on my shoulder and shook me back to my senses.
“I… I want to tell you, I want to tell you so much, and I know you’ll take my hand and support me and try to help me… But I also know that somewhere in the middle you won’t be there in the morning. And I can’t deal with that right now. … I will probably always love you in our bizarre, us, crazy way, but I can’t keep doing this dance with you. Not anymore anyway.”
Her gaze turned back to her coffee and a sad smile spread across her face.
“I’ve, every time someone has said that they love me, I’ve never really believed them… until now.”
I could hear Coffee thinking ‘you manipulative bitch’ but it didn’t mean she was lying. I managed through Godlike effort to stop myself from going to her, holding her, kissing her, knowing exactly where that would lead. Instead, I put down my cup and scanned the room for anything I might have forgotten to pick up.
“I’m going to go.”
“Will you call me when this is all over?”
I had started walking toward the door and she wasn’t actually looking at me, which was good because my hands and knees started to shake when I realised what I was going to say. It was finally time to do what I should have done the night before.
The air seemed to disappear from the room and everything turn grey. My insane whirlwind romance was over, a two-year-long love affair had finally reached its final page. I turned, let myself out and headed off to where I was supposed to be that morning. Something about knowing I wouldn’t get a random text or call from her brought with it a strange sense of relief. By the time I reached the hospital, I felt like I was ready to start the next adventure Life had in store for me.